Stephenie Meyer’s Cousin

To Whom It May Concern:

I need your assistance with unemployment. I have not worked since I was bit some an animal on the hand and became disabled. I have been denied unemployment benefits and they now are saying I owe the unemployment agency $3,000. This is ridiculous. They say because I don’t have a car, refuse to take public transit and will not leave my house in the daylight that I am unavailable for work and therefore do not qualify for benefits plus they are charging me a $2,000 fee and making me pay back the $1,000 they already paid me. Not only that I have been having strange dreams and desires for raw meat lately. Please inform them that they will have to pry that money from my cold dead hands.

Dear Twilight:

Sounds like you are in a difficult situation and your hands may already be cold and dead. The animal you are speaking of that bit wouldn’t happen to have been from someone named James who was holding your mother captive would it. Unfortunately, if this is the case it may already be too late to have the venom sucked from your system and you are now a vampire. While your love of Edward was forbidden you should have kept him around to protect you then you wouldn’t be in this situation now.

Fortunately for me, I don’t believe in ghosts, vampires or other supernatural beings. That being said, I contacted the unemployment office and they don’t believe you can be available for work when you don’t have a car, are unable to leave your house in the daylight or take public transit. Because the only profession available to you would be that of a vampire you have been required to repay your previous benefits and have been assessed said fine. I suggest you either use you vampire powers to steal the money and pay or “suck it up” and admit you can leave your house in the daylight. The unemployment agency has informed me if you are available for work you will be able to collect unemployment and will not be responsible for the fees. Have a great day/night and please feel free to contact me with any additional questions, concerns or comments.

Sincerely,

Stephenie Meyer’s Cousin

Concerned Staff

Dear Congressperson,

I have an emergency and don’t know where to turn for help. I need money for food. My food stamps only allow me to get 480 dollars a month worth of food and I can’t even buy cigarettes or alcohol with this money. Why can’t I get what I need, it’s my money! I haven’t been able to leave the house in 5 years due to my obesity and I have to pay a local boy 100 dollars out of my social security disability each month to get my groceries, cigarettes and beer. I also think something should be done about the ridiculous taxes we pay as Americans. I mean really, do you politicians really need all of our money just to drink and cheat on your spouses.

I vote and I want answers now.

Dear I Vote and I Want Answers:

Thank you for writing and voicing your concerns regarding food assistance and taxes. I am sorry to hear you think you need more money for food. Do you know that obesity is the number one cause of death in fat people? Also, smoking cigarettes and drinking alcohol together also raises some safety concerns. What if you mistake your delivery boy for a large chicken and try to swallow his leg whole like an egg roll? While this may give you a surplus of food, I’m sure it would take you an extended period of time to replace him and you may actually lose a pound or two without eating for a few days.

I apologize for getting off track but I thought you should be aware those risks before we went any further. Your right you should be able to get what you want with your money and taxes are out of control. A persons’ whole existence should not be funded using tax payer dollars. Luckily for your health, the money you are spending is other peoples money they pay to the government in the form of taxes to support people like you and I want to assure you that I use the term “people like you” in the most ingenious way. When we aren’t drinking or cheating on our spouses we sit around and try to figure out how to make sure people can’t hurt themselves with the monetary assistance we provide to them. You seem to have found a way around this with your delivery boy and we will be investigating this matter to try and determine how to prevent this type of abuse from happening.

That being said, you make good points in your letter. I will share your views with my colleagues. Please never write me again, begin some form of exercise, stop smoking and drinking and please, please, please don’t forget to vote.

Sincerely,

Concerned Staff

Intern Adventures

Welcome to the first of the semi-whenever-the-hell-I-feel-like-writing-it series known as “Intern Adventures,” composed by your lowly author internbeatit. You may have seen my comment on the Michael Jackson post – yes, I am the same person. One of the many perks of being an Intern in the political office is the many interesting excursions I am “privileged” to undertake. Truly, there is nothing greater than paying my school thousands of dollars to have various political staffers tell me how to spend my time during one of the last summers before I’m forced to enter the mysterious and terrifying place my parents always call “the real world.” Honestly – this is a good gig! Nothing could make me happier than doing what basically amounts to routine data entry for no pay when you have a newly remodeled pool at your apartment, populated by 18-25 year girls, and it’s about 82 degrees outside. As such, I’m only half joking when I say that my little excursions are a relief and a break. “Intern,” (they don’t use my name here, it sometimes provides me hope and self-esteem) “take this so-and-so’s office,” or perhaps “Intern, go into a district and help so-and-so pass out fliers and surveys.” These little vacations from the office help save a person’s sanity.

That was until I was asked to investigate the link between the government and the Catholic Church, and their obsessive stalking of a constituent who is clearly disturbed by the satellite photos and black vans intruding upon their life.

Yay for me.

In case you don’t know what I’m talking about, I refer you to an earlier constituent call that my boss posted on July 7th, the text of that call I shall include here.

“Hello, my name is Catholic Enemy #1.  I hope you can help me.  I am calling to let you know that the people in this county have made my life a living hell.  I am constantly harassed because I moved up here a few years ago.  I am constantly followed and harassed by local law enforcement.  Yesterday a cop drove by my house 3 times!  It didn’t just start when I moved here either, I moved here because the government has been following me for a long time now.  I think they are now working together with the local catholic dioceses to get the local police to harass me.  I am sure the locals are just useless pawns as the government has been taking photos of my house from space for years now.  I am sick of this harassment and I need you to help me once and for all get them away from following me.”

I’m sure by now you are feeling the sharp, stabbing pain in your frontal lobe. I apologize for making you read it, but really, you can’t understand what I went through without understanding for whom I suffered. Why did my boss put me on this assignment? I’d like to say it’s because I was raised and confirmed Catholic (no no, don’t worry, I’ve recovered, I’m fine), attended Catholic school for a time, went to religious education, and took a few religion courses in my time at my university. I’d like to tell you it’s because of my credentials. Surely I’m the most qualified to undertake this vitally important mission of saving an immigrant who believes themself to be followed and harassed by the combined, longstanding, well-publicized alliance between the governemnt and the Vatican. Their history the Church and scientists/astronomers of being good pals is well documented (see: Galilei, Galieleo), so at least they have that in their favor. Unfortunately, my credentials aren’t the reason. In short, my boss doesn’t want to do it, so off I go.

I began my search in the reasonable way: I talked to “my priest,” meaning the pastor at the church we go to on Christmas and every couple years or so, on Easter. He didn’t know who I was, and I was quite offended. After all, he’s “my priest!” Simply put, when I asked him if MY local diocese ordered the local police forces to follow various sinners and heretics, and if not, was it common practice of the Catholic Church as a whole? Two things came of this conversation. One: I finally met my priest, and Two: I’m forever banned from my church. This is undoubtedly a positive.

So, having been thoroughly rejected by the local priest, I jump into my Toyota (hey, I got it when U.S. cars were terrible. If I could afford to trade it in for a Ford Focus, I would, even though it’s an AWESOME car. Let’s remember – I’m the opposite of paid) and start to drive away, pondering my next move. I check my mirrors like any good driver (you know who you are) and see some asshole is tailgating me so close I can’t even identify the make of the vehicle. I tap the breaks. It doesn’t back off. I speed up. It accelerates. I hit the brakes hard, and it swerves around me. It’s a black van with a single, white cross on its door.

I can’t believe it. I pull into a parking lot and grab my phone, shaking. I quickly dial my uncle, who designs satellites for Lockheed Martin. That Mars satellite that went up recently? He says you’re welcome (don’t give him crap about the Polar Lander fiasco, that wasn’t him). Panicking, I demand he tells me what he knows.  He pauses for a moment, and my fear begins to grow. It’s one of those terrible pauses in the movies, right before a major secret is revealed and you’re sitting on the edge of your seat. I could tell – if this was a movie, starring me (played by someone awesome, like a young-looking Christian Bale with a goatee), we would hear heavy breathing, and a sinister sounding Jason Isaacs (sorry that this movie stars British actors, the young American talent in Hollywood these days) saying, in that bad guy sort of way, “I always told you you asked too many questions.”

Click.

That’s it. I’m freaking out. My own UNCLE is in on it. I peek out of my car and stare into the sky, trying to see a satellite. All I got for my trouble was pain in my eyes, but I was losing it. I got back in my car and drove frantically, trying to get back to boss to get some legislative help on this ASAP. I was convinced! I needed no more proof! And then I got pulled over by a local police officer. A local police officer with a cross around his next and a space shuttle model on his dashboard. My hands got sweaty. I was shaking. I thought amount making a run for it – do I get out of the car, or move into a high speed chase up the highway until I either hit the inevitable road blocks set up by the police, the Archbishop, and astronauts or escape to safety?

I settled for getting my insurance and registration ready.

He comes to my open window.

“Your left tail light is out.”

Damn it!

I know my only option is to escape from the country. I have to get away; the conspiracy is too great and reaches too far. I have to get somewhere where the government and the Vatican have no power.  I have to get out of the United States and flee to where they can’t find and can’t extradite me. I’ve delved too deep, learned too much. I’m a danger… I’m a threat…

In short, this entry is totally written from a small Internet café on the China-North Korean border.

Lord of the Flies

First of all, let me apologize for not updating.  I am going to blame work, even though it’s probably not apparent, I really do work hard.  These past few weeks didn’t afford me the luxury of blog-posting time.  It would have been a great week for the ‘Contributors’ to step up – but no, they didn’t.  FAIL.  That’s right contributors, I’m calling you out.  And while I’m doing so, I might as well introduce you to our small little faction of readers (which in all honesty is probably only us *shrugs*).  We have two other contributors on board – eccommie and pollywonk.  Both think they are busier than me, but they’re not.  They’re simply lazier than me since they refuse to make time to contribute.  I think I might be willing to forgive eccommie since he supplied me with the wonderful letter posted below.  The last contributor to introduce is one of my interns, aptly named internbeatit.  I KNOW he’s not busy, and he is basically just dicking around all summer since he has no classes.  No excuses intern.  I am putting this in your letter of recommendation.  Oh, and while I’m directing my anger towards you, intern, I might as well point out that the user name that you have chosen can be misconstrued to be sexually inappropriate.  Just thought you should know.

Alright, now on to our constituent letter!  Note – my comments in the constituent letter below is the stuff in parenthesis that is not italicized.

Mr. *I Spelled Your Name Wrong (*she really did spell the official’s name wrong)

I am writing to you because I don’t know were to go for help on a issue concerning our public hall and public safty.  I am *an elected official of *Blank Township in *Blank County (first term) but I with to remain anonamus due to the fact that I have gotten know were with my fellow elected officials on the issue I am about to address to you.  The issue is that our Public Hall is over run by flys.  I am not talking just a few flys, I mean flys to the point that when the hall is rented the renter must vacume at the least two times in a twenty four hour period to clean up the dead ones.  The flys are in the hall all year round but they are much worse in the winter.  I feel this is a helth issue (not to mention the fact that it is grotess) because food is offten prepared and served when the hall is rented.  I feel that our tax payers should not have to deal with this sort of thing.  I would not pay to eat in a place were I have to pray that the bugs won’t fall into my food so why should our citizens who’s tax dollars have paied for this building have to put up with this when they rent the building?

Thank you for your time and any help you can offer.

Dear Lord of the Flies,

There many things I have to talk about regarding your letter.  I would first like to address the issue of the Township Hall and flies you are so concerned about.  Have you ever seen and/or read The Amityville Horror?  They too were plagued by flies (please take note of the correct spelling of flies), even during the winter months.  And since you mentioned that the township tried using an exterminator to no avail, I suspect supernatural phenomenon is to blame.  Has anyone ever been brutally murdered at the hall?  Was it built upon an Indian graveyard?  Did you ever have a problem with satanic cults in that area?  Is there a deep, dark secret about the hall that the rest of the board is not telling you about?  Maybe they aren’t supporting you on this because they know about the hall’s terrifying past, and since you are an outsider who only has lived there for four years, they won’t let you in on the secret.  If I were you, I would either 1.) Hire a priest to bless the hall in hopes of driving out the evil fly spirits or 2.) Pack up, move, and never look back.  Since my boss is neither a priest or a mover/real estate agent, he will be unable to help you.

Now that I’ve given you such stellar and helpful advice, I would like to move on to the many issues I have with your letter.  You know, when you send me a letter telling me your elected position and the location of where you are from, that makes you an easy google search away from being known.  So, you are not anonymous.  I now know your name.  But anonymity shouldn’t be what you’re worried about, you should worry that people have a hard copy example of your embarrassing display of written language.   The atrocious spelling, grammar, and punctuation in your letter made me cringe.  So, like any good person would do, I broke out the red pen and corrected your letter.  You receive an F for your inability to use commas, poor spelling, run-on sentences that are garbled with nonsense, terrible grammar (a and an are not interchangeable – you literally only have to say the sentence out loud to know which one to use), and misspelling my bosses name (as well as calling him Mr. instead of the elected title – that’s just rude).  And we’re not talking the run of the mill typos here.  It takes effort to spell that poorly!  I know, because I retyped your letter and spell check kept auto-correcting.  I had to actually go back and un-correct most of these words.  I feel as though someone needs to point out those red and green squiggle lines under the offensive grammar and words to let you know they are wrong.  It’s called spell check, and it automatically does it for you.  Because you do not have knowledge of this, and you are an elected official is terrifying.  You are actually representing people, albeit on a small scale, but still.  Your ignorance had made me lose all faith in our system of government.  I was about to resign from my position when I realized that I could instead draft legislation to avoid such intellectual train wrecks in the future:

I am proud to introduce Legislative Bill Spell Check!  This bill is designed to test all political candidate’s ability to properly use grammar and spell check before any written proof of ignorance could leave their office.  All candidates must arrive at a testing area where a computer will be place before them.  They must show that they recognize the spell check button (usually easily recognized as an ‘ABC check mark’ button) in different email and office programs.  Once we establish that you can at least write a sentence without making your staff and constituents cringe with second-hand embarrassment, you may be placed on the ballot.  We will be traveling the state with the large annoying paperclip mascot to rally the people around this legislation.  We will be coming to your town soon, and I’ll at least be kind enough to not point you out as the reason this legislation had to be drafted.

Yours truly,

Spell Master Staffer

He's coming to a town near you.

Follow Up for Catholic Enemy #1

This is a follow up to the call I answered in the previous post.  It will be in your best interests to read that post first to truly grasp what is going on here.

Dear Catholic Enemy #1,

I had a chance to talk to my boss about your plight, and I have terrible news.  He is indeed Catholic.  Not only is he bound by the church to report you, but did you know that he was put in his position of power by the Diocese itself?  They did that because they knew you were moving to our district, so they intentionally placed him in power to keep an eye on you.  They were waiting for you call.  My boss told me to say “Mwahahahahahahaha!  You thought you could cry for help, did you?  Now you will pay for crossing the Catholic Church!”  His words, not mine. Now your pleas have inadvertently brought about your own demise.

By the time this letter reaches you, you may already have disappeared mysteriously, which will be a great relief to me as the person who takes your calls, and to my intern who really was a little afraid to work on your case after he had bricks thrown through his window, cars parked outside of his house watching him, and people standing over his bed while he sleeps at night.  If you haven’t disappeared yet, I’m sorry this letter is ruining the surprise.

Sincerely,

The Non-Catholic Staffer Who Is Now Terrified Of The Catholic Church And My Boss

Don’t Mess With The Pope.

Hello, my name is Catholic Enemy #1.  I hope you can help me.  I am calling to let you know that the people in this county have made my life a living hell.  I am constantly harassed because I moved up here a few years ago.  I am constantly followed and harassed by law enforcement.  Yesterday a cop drove by my house 3 times!  It didn’t just start when I moved here either, I moved here because the government has been following me for a long time now.  I think they are now working together with the local catholic dioceses to get the local police to harass me.  I am sure the locals are just useless pawns as the government has been taking photos of my house from space for years now.  I am sick of this harassment and I need you to help me once and for all get them away from following me.

Dear Catholic Enemy #1,

Let me start by saying that I lied in my last post when I said that I watched a movie so I would know how to adequately respond to your concerns.  I meant to watch Angels and Demons so I would understand your dilemma, but found drinking, fireworks, food, more drinking, and then recovering from the weekend more interesting.  So, please forgive me for slacking on my homework.  I’m hoping that IMDB, the cliff notes of movies, will be sufficient (warning, this post may or may not contain spoilers!).

After reading the movie synopsis, I can only ask – Are you a member of the Illuminati?  Is this why the Catholic Diocese is so eager to make sure that you are watched wherever you move?  Do you happen to have a vial of anti-matter?  If so, I want to recommend that we call Tom Hanks, and some secondary character that is a sexy, enigmatic Italian scientist to stop you from your plots to destroy the Catholic empire.  I would try to do it myself, but I do have to admit that I am not very good at deciphering symbols.  Oh wait, you want our help, not our non-help by calling people to stop your evil plots from transpiring.  Well, I don’t know what we can do to help you.  I’m not Catholic, but even I know that you don’t want to piss off the Pope.  From what I hear, he’s like Jesus’ stepbrother, you know, not really related to God or Jesus, but God has to love him like a son anyway – or something like that.  So, unless the my boss really hates Catholics, he may not want to get tangled into this tale of ancient secret societies, plots to destroy the Vatican, and the murder of high ranking priests.  I will make sure to at least ask him once he’s back in the office.  What if my boss is Catholic?  I’ve never asked.  Is there some kind of Catholic rule saying that he will have to report you for this if he is?  If so, you’re so screwed.

With the issue of taking satellite pictures of your house, I can only say that at least they are using this expensive technology for something more useful than crashing robots into Mars.  I’m curious, have you checked Google Earth yet?  I have a feeling that you aren’t going to like what you see there.  An intern showed me a picture of his house once, and we could see into the interior of his car when we zoomed in.

As for the local police driving by your house, well, that’s what the movies say they do in the rural areas.  Really, what did you expect?  Haven’t you seen Deliverance?  You’re just lucky that driving by your house is all they do to outsiders there.  Besides, what else are they supposed to do in their free time.  It’s really boring up around those parts.

My boss will not be in for another week, but like I said, I am pretty sure I know what his answer will be.  He will not want to piss off the Catholics (they are a pretty big voting block and seem to have a scary amount of power).  Neither do I for that matter, but I am just a wuss, the Pope does scare even a non-Catholic like me.  Though, I am willing to put the intern on the case.  He will probably think it’s great experience (at least at first he will, until he’s kidnapped in the middle of the night).  He will do what I tell him to, no matter how dangerous your connections are.  To get him started, please answer the questions posed above and the intern will get right on it.

Yours truly,

The Staffer Who Wants To Stay Out Of This Conspiracy Theory

Happy Fourth!

I’ve had a few drinks and have already shot off a few fireworks.  I love long holiday weekends, especially the independence day weekend.  Hell, I’m a staffer, and if I don’t love indepence and America then I’m asking to be fired.  Because of this long weekend, I’ve take this sweet time to relax and make the most of my time at home.  I promise to have another good post when I get back.  It may or may not sound like a movie I never dared to see, but because of this call, I was forced to watch it anyway.  Stay tuned.

Civil War is in the Air!

Hi, I’m just calling to tell you that the majority of Americans are not as stupid as you think we are. Our country is bankrupt and broken, and you are all lackeys to a socialist president who wasn’t even democratically elected. The cap and trade bill, and the universal health care bill are just going to push this country over the edge into a civil war. People are angry, and they are going to take up arms against the government. Now, I’m not a republican, because I think they are just as bad as you democrats, I’m a conservative. You might be too young to remember this, but when I was young, I worked 15 hours a day, and now I can’t even count on getting my social security. China owns this country, and they wanted to cash in the bonds they hold in our treasury, the dollar would be rendered worthless. Now, you tell your boss that something has to be done. I know she won’t do anything about it since she’s one of them, but I’m just calling to warn you. And I’m not afraid to give you my name and number, my name is I Have Guns In My Basement. And I’m sure your boss won’t call me back.

Dear I Have Guns In My Basement,

Thank you so much for your call of warning. I do not want to see a civil war erupt in this country. That would just be too much to bear. I just had no idea that providing a free trade system of controlling emissions and making sure that everyone has access to health care (which could actually draw down the cost of health care to all since we don’t have to cover the hospital bills of the uninsured) would cause so much anger that the country would collapse into oblivion. I can just picture it now, it looks like the movie 300 without all the cool CGI. God knows that the first civil war made Lincoln a hero, and we most definitely wouldn’t want that socialist dictator who wasn’t even elected basking in Lincolnesque glory. As you say, he wasn’t even elected. He just spawned himself right out of the carpet in the Oval Office and took up residence. Though, if I had to take sides, I don’t know if I could choose. The guys with guns in their basements, or the side with tanks. Hmm…..

Now, I know that you say that the American people are not as stupid as we think you are, and by that, I’m assuming you meant that you are not as stupid as we think you are, I just want to point out that the cap and trade bill and universal health care are not our bills and you didn’t called the wrong government office. I hate to tell you this since I’m sure that you really do have guns in your basement, and for that reason, I don’t want to anger you, but I thought you should know. I’m sure my boss will still take your concern to heart and not be able to do anything about it.

I do have to admit that I do not remember back in the day when you worked 15 hours a day. I’m sorry. Please send pictures and memories so I can partake in these glory days. Working so much must have earned you a lot of social security. I am curious though, for someone who complains about the socialistic tendencies of the government, and is angry about the system going bankrupt, you sure are eager to get that social security. I guess part of being a conservative (but not a republican) is about having cake and eating it too. Now I want to join your movement. I love having cake and eating it too.

I looked into how China owns America (thank you google!), and the first link says that it is also trying to kill our children (it’s true – google China owns America)! My next google search was on how to build a bunker. I will immediately stuff my children into it and not let them out until they are 18 when it’s certain that they won’t be China’s target. I just hope that China never does cash in and abandon us. Because if they do, they just lost their main buyer and they will go bankrupt too. Or, maybe that is a good thing since misery loves company. So, win-win, or lose-lose, we have a buddy til the end.

So, I Have Guns In My Basement, I’m so glad that you called and were not afraid to give your name. I have taken your warning to heart. Now, I will pass along the message, but I don’t think that my boss will be calling you back. Not because she doesn’t want to, but because you called the wrong office. You are actually in a different district.

Sincerely,

Staffer Bunker Builder Extraordinaire

The Who’s Bad Bill

Hello, my name is Angry Patriot and I’m calling to speak with my representative about how inappropriate it is to have a moment of silence for Michael Jackson. I mean, we have soldiers fighting for our freedom and dying everyday – where is the moment of silence for them?!

Dear Angry Patriot,

I feel your pain. I just couldn’t believe the outpouring of sorrow for the King of Pop. And if you thought that the moment of silence was bad – you wouldn’t believe the bill that is about the pass in the legislature in his honor. This bill is going to take Michael Jackson’s remembrance to a whole new level.

Legislative Bill ‘Who’s Bad’ will rename the our office building to the Michael Jackson Memorial Office Building. The Capitol lawn will be turned into the Neverland Ranch Theme park, and a statue of Michael Jackson will be erected at the entrance. His day of birth will be a paid holiday for all employees, and we will all pay tribute to him on the day of his death by loudly playing Thriller. The legislative staff will all be required to know the choreography and dance along perfectly on the Capitol lawn. If you are any of us are unable to perform the dance perfectly, it is grounds for firing. The flag will be taken down on that day, and a single white glove will be risen in it’s place.

Now, the legislators will be voting on this bill when they return in 2 weeks. They will all be wearing a single glove on that day when they come in, and will vote yes on the bill with a loud and flamboyant ‘Hee-hee!’. You will have to make your protest of the bill swiftly.

Yours truly,

Staffer Extraordinaire, or as I’m now known, Smooth Criminal (sorry, they made us change our names to a Michael Jackson song)