Don’t Mess With The Pope.

Hello, my name is Catholic Enemy #1.  I hope you can help me.  I am calling to let you know that the people in this county have made my life a living hell.  I am constantly harassed because I moved up here a few years ago.  I am constantly followed and harassed by law enforcement.  Yesterday a cop drove by my house 3 times!  It didn’t just start when I moved here either, I moved here because the government has been following me for a long time now.  I think they are now working together with the local catholic dioceses to get the local police to harass me.  I am sure the locals are just useless pawns as the government has been taking photos of my house from space for years now.  I am sick of this harassment and I need you to help me once and for all get them away from following me.

Dear Catholic Enemy #1,

Let me start by saying that I lied in my last post when I said that I watched a movie so I would know how to adequately respond to your concerns.  I meant to watch Angels and Demons so I would understand your dilemma, but found drinking, fireworks, food, more drinking, and then recovering from the weekend more interesting.  So, please forgive me for slacking on my homework.  I’m hoping that IMDB, the cliff notes of movies, will be sufficient (warning, this post may or may not contain spoilers!).

After reading the movie synopsis, I can only ask – Are you a member of the Illuminati?  Is this why the Catholic Diocese is so eager to make sure that you are watched wherever you move?  Do you happen to have a vial of anti-matter?  If so, I want to recommend that we call Tom Hanks, and some secondary character that is a sexy, enigmatic Italian scientist to stop you from your plots to destroy the Catholic empire.  I would try to do it myself, but I do have to admit that I am not very good at deciphering symbols.  Oh wait, you want our help, not our non-help by calling people to stop your evil plots from transpiring.  Well, I don’t know what we can do to help you.  I’m not Catholic, but even I know that you don’t want to piss off the Pope.  From what I hear, he’s like Jesus’ stepbrother, you know, not really related to God or Jesus, but God has to love him like a son anyway – or something like that.  So, unless the my boss really hates Catholics, he may not want to get tangled into this tale of ancient secret societies, plots to destroy the Vatican, and the murder of high ranking priests.  I will make sure to at least ask him once he’s back in the office.  What if my boss is Catholic?  I’ve never asked.  Is there some kind of Catholic rule saying that he will have to report you for this if he is?  If so, you’re so screwed.

With the issue of taking satellite pictures of your house, I can only say that at least they are using this expensive technology for something more useful than crashing robots into Mars.  I’m curious, have you checked Google Earth yet?  I have a feeling that you aren’t going to like what you see there.  An intern showed me a picture of his house once, and we could see into the interior of his car when we zoomed in.

As for the local police driving by your house, well, that’s what the movies say they do in the rural areas.  Really, what did you expect?  Haven’t you seen Deliverance?  You’re just lucky that driving by your house is all they do to outsiders there.  Besides, what else are they supposed to do in their free time.  It’s really boring up around those parts.

My boss will not be in for another week, but like I said, I am pretty sure I know what his answer will be.  He will not want to piss off the Catholics (they are a pretty big voting block and seem to have a scary amount of power).  Neither do I for that matter, but I am just a wuss, the Pope does scare even a non-Catholic like me.  Though, I am willing to put the intern on the case.  He will probably think it’s great experience (at least at first he will, until he’s kidnapped in the middle of the night).  He will do what I tell him to, no matter how dangerous your connections are.  To get him started, please answer the questions posed above and the intern will get right on it.

Yours truly,

The Staffer Who Wants To Stay Out Of This Conspiracy Theory

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