Stephenie Meyer’s Cousin

To Whom It May Concern:

I need your assistance with unemployment. I have not worked since I was bit some an animal on the hand and became disabled. I have been denied unemployment benefits and they now are saying I owe the unemployment agency $3,000. This is ridiculous. They say because I don’t have a car, refuse to take public transit and will not leave my house in the daylight that I am unavailable for work and therefore do not qualify for benefits plus they are charging me a $2,000 fee and making me pay back the $1,000 they already paid me. Not only that I have been having strange dreams and desires for raw meat lately. Please inform them that they will have to pry that money from my cold dead hands.

Dear Twilight:

Sounds like you are in a difficult situation and your hands may already be cold and dead. The animal you are speaking of that bit wouldn’t happen to have been from someone named James who was holding your mother captive would it. Unfortunately, if this is the case it may already be too late to have the venom sucked from your system and you are now a vampire. While your love of Edward was forbidden you should have kept him around to protect you then you wouldn’t be in this situation now.

Fortunately for me, I don’t believe in ghosts, vampires or other supernatural beings. That being said, I contacted the unemployment office and they don’t believe you can be available for work when you don’t have a car, are unable to leave your house in the daylight or take public transit. Because the only profession available to you would be that of a vampire you have been required to repay your previous benefits and have been assessed said fine. I suggest you either use you vampire powers to steal the money and pay or “suck it up” and admit you can leave your house in the daylight. The unemployment agency has informed me if you are available for work you will be able to collect unemployment and will not be responsible for the fees. Have a great day/night and please feel free to contact me with any additional questions, concerns or comments.

Sincerely,

Stephenie Meyer’s Cousin

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